


the holy glimmers of goodbyes

by flyingisabetterwordforfalling (FlyingFalling)



Category: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Feels, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Post-Credits Scene, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Friendship, Gen, Not A Fix-It, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingFalling/pseuds/flyingisabetterwordforfalling
Summary: "Death would not be the end, not for them."





	the holy glimmers of goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the poem Anthem for Doomed Youth by Wilfred Owen. This fic can be read as a sequel to one of my other stories, which is called Alone Together (https://archiveofourown.org/works/6302737) which is set around Civil War.

Natasha sat beside Steve, holding his hand. He had once more refused to go to the room that Tony had promised him years ago and which secretly had always been his, even after everything that had happened. In every location where Tony owned a building or several, there were certain rooms, just for them. Not just for the Avengers, but for them, his friends.  
Sometimes Natasha could not fully grasp how they could still trust anyone or how they were able to simply function, to just keep going despite losing and struggling to get back up. She was raised like that, but despite everything she was also still human. It was drilled into them, to keep going no matter how great the loss, and yet loyalty was the most important thing in her life. However, after years of fighting alongside this mismatched group of people it came in fact second to them, her chosen family. 

A while ago, a young man wise beyond his years had told her that death was not the end. Back then he had recently lost his father and now his own life. Death may not be the end, it carried suffering and grief nonetheless wherever it happened. 

Natasha looks outside, and is for once glad that she cannot see the whole damage due to the darkness of the night. Not for a few hours at least. The blanket which had been draped over her and Steve feels as if it might suffocate her but she keeps still and forces herself to breathe in and out as slowly as possible, even counts between each breath. The man who had always fought for others, their safety and then for his oldest friend's, who once upon a time was deemed a hero and then a traitor, had finally fallen asleep leaning against her. 

Nothing she can think of right now it worth it waking Steve up at this point. Not even her own rising panic whenever she thinks about falling asleep again and sees nothing but clouds of dust.  
A small part of her wishes to simply go back in time. Everything was better, despite the chaos all around them, even when, to put it lightly, Steve and Tony had their disagreement regarding the way they worked and operated. At least back then she knew everyone was safe, still there. Only days ago half of Earth's population, young and old alike, had simply vanished. It feels like years have passed and she is so tired of all the fighting, of going out there again and again. Of once again risking everything and seeing her friends putting their lives on the line, witnessing useless deaths and even more loss and mourning. Natasha cannot bring herself to use the term disintegrated instead of vanished. There will be a way to bring them back, all of them, alive and well. The few people in the room were the only ones of their colleagues, their closest friends left. As far as she knew everybody else could be gone as well.

Now Bruce sits besides Tony, and on his other side is his fiancée, even from where Natasha is sitting, the dark circles under all of their eyes are more than a little obvious. She doubts that she looks better herself. Falling asleep is the last thing on her mind right now. It hurts seeing them distraught, even in sleep. As a child Natasha had been taught how to be strong, both physically and mentally. Now, she had to wrestle Captain America himself into the seat he fell asleep in, had to convince him that she was fine and would still be there when he woke up. Steve reminded her of a young boy, his eyes doubtful when she had to promise that she would still be there, would be with him when he woke up.

Thinking about Steve Rogers as a child, about a boy who fought threats much bigger than him reminds her of the young Peter Parker. He had not even been an adult yet, had so much to experience. Just like Wanda, and her brother. Just like all the others. In a way, Natasha does not even want to ask Tony how it had happened. Neither one of them asks why he sometimes clutches his hand, tears in his eyes and an expression so heartbroken that not one of them can stay away and just has to hug him. Most of the time he gets out of the way as soon as he realizes that people are being emotional around him. He puts on one of his fake cheerful smiles and rambles in about work that has to be done. Tony does not cry, not anymore. 

Upon finding his future wife more or less well but most importantly alive, Tony had almost collapsed then and there, only able to stand upright thanks to Rhodey and Bruce. Just a few hours before, he had visited the boy's, Peter's, aunt in person and had taken it upon himself to tell her about her nephew. Natasha and Rhodey had tried to hold Tony back, asked him to send someone else instead to inform her about what had happened. Still, Tony had simply looked at them and asked if they would like to leave her in the dark now, when she probably already guessed that Peter was among the victims of Thano's massacre.  
Thus, the group had waited outside the building with just Tony and Rhodey and of course, May Parker in the apartment. It had been hard for Tony, having to confirm what every other person around the globe now feared concerning their loved ones: The fact that Peter was one of the many people who were now gone. 

However, Tony hated this kind of fake condolences, people who used the same phrases over and over again. They reminded him too much of his youth and dozens of faceless businessmen who had probably thought of him as nothing more than wasted potential. 

After all, even though he was certain that she deserved the truth he did not tell Peter's aunt that the kid had been Spiderman, stupidly brave, and also tried to protect him, the man in the metal suit, and the entire universe in one go. In the end, he told her one thing. That it was his, Tony's, fault that the boy had been there in the first place. 

He had tried to send him back but Spiderman just had to be a reckless teenager who refused to back down. How much that kid was like himself was also among the thoughts Tony did not share with her or any other person. May Parker's tone was full of sadness but surprisingly stern when she asked whether Peter had tried to help them. Stunned at her reaction Tony had nodded, asked how she knew. He would certainly never forget her face when she told him that Peter was her family, that she knew him and his daily struggles not just as a teenager but also as a secret superhero. She even thanked Tony for trying to spare her feelings before she accompanied them to the door. He could barely make it out of the apartment before he had to lean against Rhodey, his eyes falling closed. The slight pressure of his oldest friend's hand clasping his shoulder was the only thing still grounding him in that moment.

Later Tony had broken down, crying into Pepper's arms even before the others had left the room, for once not caring whether they could see him vulnerable or not. Once they had left however, Tony made her promise, rather begged Pepper, that she should just go, pack her things and leave him should he ever talk about having kids again. After all, not having any meant never having to lose them.

Instead of answering she had hugged him just a little tighter, and refused to listen to him blaming himself for everything like he usually did. It was not his fault, it was neither of their fault. They were all people, had done what they could or deemed to be the right thing - and even though her voice broke in the end, had actually been shaking throughout the entire conversation - she added that however this all might end she would be there, by his side. They held onto each other for a long time and had eventually fallen asleep together, both mourning the ones they had lost. Friends and family alike -to them, there was not actually a difference anymore. 

Now they were all here, well at least most of them, Tony and Pepper are once again asleep and Bruce speaks under his breath so as not to wake them up when he eventually addresses Natasha. Her muscles tense and she is considering whether she should just get up and leave the room. But Steve startles awake then, suddenly blinking and his head jolts up as if he has been woken by a gunshot. 

He opens his mouth as if to ask where he is but Natasha reaches for his hands before he can even make a sound. The soft whisper of a name leaves his lips regardless and Natasha tries not to cry at the low whining sound deep inside his chest. The stifled sob. She can only hear it due to being so close to Steve and yet it feels as if he is somewhere, worlds away. Their eyes meet and she brushes a strand of hair out of his eyes. Ignores how much he is shaking all of a sudden, just tries to keep him there in this very moment, to let him know it was a nightmare. Natasha feels helpless, hates that feeling and eventually looks away and over at Bruce who shakes his head, not wanting to get up and risk waking either Pepper or Tony. 

Over the last few days it had become more or less normal to fall asleep here, right in the corner with all the couches and armchairs which in every other household would probably pass off as the living room but was in Tony's case simply a place to hang out together. They usually talked about everything and nothing before eventually falling asleep, one after the other. Neither one of them could not stand being alone in their respective rooms and thus pretended being too tired or lazy to get up again. 

Rhodey is sleeping, has somehow folded himself onto one of the armchairs again and will definitely have trouble getting up in the morning but Natasha understands his need to sit in the spot that allows him to oversee the entire room, to keep an eye on every possible access point and the people around him. As soon as they had left Wakanda there had been even more cleaning-operations and so much work for either one of them. Only now they have time to reflect on their own emotions, what they have lost. Most of them bury themselves under as much work as they possibly can. It is probably not a healthy way to deal with everything but in Natasha's opinion it is at least better than sitting around and letting her sorrow consume her.  
The sentient or rather talking racoon had stayed behind and Natasha had heard him talking to himself about maybe having to find a sapling before they departed. They in this case meant him and a woman whose origin Natasha did not question, but she seemed to mourn her sister just like Thor his brother. 

The Asgardian god of thunder had left them again, not actually talking about what had happened to him or his people. Again and again, he told everyone who was around that his brother had died redeeming every doubt everyone might have had about him. He even told them that Loki had died protecting him, acknowledging their family line and them as brothers, and Bruce confirmed every single one of his claims. Even he seemed deeply affected by what had happened and also did not actually talk about any of it. Or, for that matter, where exactly he had been all this time. However, if Bruce was saddened then Thor was grim about almost everything and had avoided talking, as long as it was not about Loki, if he did not have to. Once it was clear they would leave, he was determined to do the same. He announced he would go out and seek survivors, people of his who could possibly have survived after all. 

Nick and Maria had vanished and many others had not been found yet. Natasha simply refused to acknowledge the rather obvious hints that whatever had happened to one half of Earth's population might have happened to them as well.  
Every attempt to contact her best friend, the most important person of her chosen family had failed. She did not know whether he, his wife or their children were alright. Natasha was convinced that she would know or even feel it somehow if something would have happened to them, or at least that was what she told herself so as not to break down for good.  
She could only imagine how Steve felt right now: Now, that he had lost not one but both of his best friends. After all, even now she could still cling to the mere hope of finding Clint. Steve however had lost Bucky once more. And now Sam with him. 

It hurt. So, so much thinking about it but at least Wanda would not have to live with the knowledge that her final attempt to save humankind by sacrificing the one she loved had been for nothing. Wanda had witnessed her failure, of course, but she would not have to survive Vision with the knowledge that she could neither protect nor safe him. Natasha had not seen everything that had happened, for that she had been too distracted by so many things at once. She had once again survived a war which had been fought against the entirety of the human race. 

Steve blinks again, seemingly having realized that wherever he is means being safe, that whatever had chased him in his dreams is not real.

"He told me he was not sure if he was worth all of this. It was not me who saved him, he saved me. He was everything I've ever had, the only constant." 

These few sentence almost force the air out of her lungs. There is so much guilt in his voice and Natasha wraps her arms around Steve, presses her lips against his brow and just holds onto him as if she could shield his giant of a man from the rest of the world. He may have superhuman strength but his heart is as fragile as any other person's. 

Once again, she knows what it is like to feel this way. Thinking about every little detail that could have changed the outcome of their situation, everything that might have saved just a few people more makes her head spin. However, what she does not know is how to get the guilt of once again surviving another loved one out of his voice.

"It could have been us, either one of us."

It is not meant as an excuse and when she looks over Bruce silently nods. 

"It was not, and now we have to live with it."

"Steve-", whispers Bruce from the other side of the room but Steve winces, burying his face in his hands.

"Don't. Just don't."

And so they stop talking altogether. Bruce merely leans more firmly against Tony's side whose fingers twitch in his sleep as if he might want to hold on and never let either one of them go again. 

Rhodey makes a noise as if to call out to whoever he sees in his mind's eye. He is eerily still, and Natasha knows that he once again dreams of falling and she counts the seconds, once again considers going over and try to calm him before his breath finally settles as if nothing ever happened.

Steve just stays where he is, lets her hold him and holds her in return. He gives her the chance to be close without having to admit her own weaknesses, her own distress or even having to ask for him to stay.  
In the end, Natasha tries to persuade herself into believing that this could end well. Into believing that this is altogether not the end. 

Over the years, they had fought for each other, against each other but in the end they always found their way back. Despite all the hurt and sorrow they always found their way. Especially in Steve's and Bucky's case, where not even death could keep them apart. Hopefully it would the same now, to a much greater extent. Death would not be the end, not for them.


End file.
